Notes Floating Around

M’s nagging is really getting to me… Job, a few other quips. Nagging, nagging, nagging. All in good intentions of course, but still, something disturbing, I was up 5am to 6.30am this morning. Something got under my skin. The worse thing is as her memory and cognition deteriorates over the next 5-15 years, it will get “worse” in the sense of topics becoming more random, nagging becoming more persistent for certain issues, and increase in shifting between nagging topics. Terrible stuff. Really, this sucks ass.

Having a challenge of managing my parents’ expectations (they’re just trying to help, and they switch between modes of mellowness, modes of distraction, and modes of concern). My outlook and attitude and approach is a strength. There is no doubt about it. There are “weaknesses”. But the job deal, it’s like this huge mozza ball – like the girlfriend thing 10 years ago. You keep banging your head against the wall, you get a headache. Firstly, realise that there is no wall ["There is No Spoon"] :-! … Seriously though, direct “attack” and desperate whittling away at it is not the way. Instinctively I know this. A fresh approach, a clear head, and working on other fundamentals is important.

Like the girlfriend thing when you’re about 18. It’s about *not* thinking about that but learning other stuff – general social skills, exploring your sexuality where opportunities present themselves, travel, if you have mood swings managing that, also ironically, letting go, just being yourself, having fun. Then things just happen. Either a lot, or a few intense experiences… maybe something longer lasting once you “find” that thing, then after then, the evolution continues. Most people don’t think about it too much. So the same with jobs. So the same with life and forgiveness and the journey. I’m having fun, I’m doing better now one year after being switched to some major mood stabilisers and 3 months ago a different SSRI antidepressant – and with the initial switch a year ago having been zapped several times and “resetting” a lot of cognition and memory issues. An evolution to the next stage – perhaps quieting the conscious mind. A fairly natural flow as I write this – an example of the results. But so the same with girlfiend, work, jobs, life, family, society, “religion”, spirituality.

Listening to PsyTrance now, the rhythm of life is so simple. What you enjoy, enjoy. What you seek to grow, grow. What you cherish, hold dear. Not crushingly, but in the palm of your open hand — offerings not taken away from you, but a template for others to copy off what you offer in your open hands. “There is No Job”. Huh.

If I try to just collate 1997-2004 I would say I worked hard and achieved reasonable income levels. Towards the end at the risk of relationship with others being more “fluid” than normal. And facing burnout of the creative tech industry. 2005-2006, Feb 2007… also involved reasonable income opportunities. And a quantum leap in what was achieved in 2 years with my parents. Meaningful stuff. A lot of others may not understand, may not *need* to understand. But I know. And it’s more than to be able to quantify in words here. And not necessary. My brother getting a £40,000 loan from my Dad… let’s just say there’s a lot of flow-on effects of what I have done since high school. I am at peace more than ever before with where I am now. What happens next may be trying, but hindsight will be 20|20. I *am* more confident of my “self worth”. And karma validates it, in a way that I am learning to understand. Frack this “Job” Sh1t.

OK. Health – Check. Allergies – under control. Mood swings – seems under control. Medication – OK. Family income etc – seems good for now. Overall view of the world – kinda okay, nothing major. Looking up the 2007 estimated population of Hong Kong, Singapore, Taiwan, South Korea, Malaysia and Indonesia was interesting.

Now. Full moon March 3rd Saturday 2007. Going to email contacts re MackJobby stuff. From here on out, probably I’ll hit up various Apple resellers. Though apparently they are in “bad shape” in this city. Hmm… Now confused, slightly worried, but, well, have nothing to lose. Trying to stay calm about the whole thing. Implosion risk is there. But Step One: Cover Your Ass. Step Two: see Step One.

Update: Check. Sent. Ass-covering: Check.

Well, okay, a few hours later, I’m not so cheesed off with AppleInsider forums. Maybe this is the getting more “normal”. Being able to say, frack this or that, and then, be like, thinking about something else and moving on maybe 30 minutes or a few hours later. Who knows. Well, hoping for the Job front of things. Saturday March03 deadline on Job01. Following which end of day Tuesday for phone call, Monday begin job search/ resume prep/ who knows what the hell to do… Hmmm….!!

Well, running nose and sniffling. How the hell am I supposed to live and work in this city if for some reason I’m constantly sniffling and such stuff? Antihistamines of various configurations are being tried. ?

After hanging with Ka’rn in Melbourne, yeah, I am starting to see the “disease” that is “bipolar” as an evolution. Maybe it’s just growing up. Maybe it’s an evolution. When the three white horses visited me in my dreams in 2004. Signalling a time for something new. And here in 2007/2008. The next stage. Baby steps. To something beyond right and wrong. Where all the duality have no meaning. A wholeness. But where whole and half-filled have no meaning.