Notes Floating Around

Having a challenge of managing my parents’ expectations (they’re just trying to help, and they switch between modes of mellowness, modes of distraction, and modes of concern). My outlook and attitude and approach is a strength. There is no doubt about it. There are “weaknesses”. But the job deal, it’s like this huge mozza ball – like the girlfriend thing 10 years ago. You keep banging your head against the wall, you get a headache. Firstly, realise that there is no wall ["There is No Spoon"] :-! … Seriously though, direct “attack” and desperate whittling away at it is not the way. Instinctively I know this. A fresh approach, a clear head, and working on other fundamentals is important.

Like the girlfriend thing when you’re about 18. It’s about *not* thinking about that but learning other stuff – general social skills, exploring your sexuality where opportunities present themselves, travel, if you have mood swings managing that, also ironically, letting go, just being yourself, having fun. Then things just happen. Either a lot, or a few intense experiences… maybe something longer lasting once you “find” that thing, then after then, the evolution continues. Most people don’t think about it too much. So the same with jobs. So the same with life and forgiveness and the journey. I’m having fun, I’m doing better now one year after being switched to some major mood stabilisers and 3 months ago a different SSRI antidepressant – and with the initial switch a year ago having been zapped several times and “resetting” a lot of cognition and memory issues. An evolution to the next stage – perhaps quieting the conscious mind. A fairly natural flow as I write this – an example of the results. But so the same with girlfiend, work, jobs, life, family, society, “religion”, spirituality.

Listening to PsyTrance now, the rhythm of life is so simple. What you enjoy, enjoy. What you seek to grow, grow. What you cherish, hold dear. Not crushingly, but in the palm of your open hand — offerings not taken away from you, but a template for others to copy off what you offer in your open hands. “There is No Job”. Huh.

If I try to just collate 1997-2004 I would say I worked hard and achieved reasonable income levels. Towards the end at the risk of relationship with others being more “fluid” than normal. And facing burnout of the creative tech industry. 2005-2006, Feb 2007… also involved reasonable income opportunities. And a quantum leap in what was achieved in 2 years with my parents. Meaningful stuff. A lot of others may not understand, may not *need* to understand. But I know. And it’s more than to be able to quantify in words here. And not necessary. My brother getting a £40,000 loan from my Dad… let’s just say there’s a lot of flow-on effects of what I have done since high school. I am at peace more than ever before with where I am now. What happens next may be trying, but hindsight will be 20|20. I *am* more confident of my “self worth”. And karma validates it, in a way that I am learning to understand. Frack this “Job” Sh1t.